The other day I was speaking about how your own thoughts scare you. At the same time you are afraid of your own energy. You don’t think you are afraid because you say “I want energy, how can I be afraid of my own energy?” You want energy from something according to your own beliefs and according to the way you want to feel and experience the energy. This is why your own original energy is covered. You are so desperate to know ‘who am I’ so desperate and at the same time you are afraid of your own self – who you are. See how tricky it is and how you are sitting under the shade of your own thoughts and beliefs.
This is because you always want to experience the love and the ecstasy. You want to become someone or be someone or somewhere. But at the same time you are saying ‘I want to know who I am’ and you are running away from your own self because you do not like that energy. The moment that your anger is exposed you are doing everything to cover it saying, ‘this is not who I am’ but you don’t know that the secret is hidden in the same. During your connections I keep reminding you in so many different ways that it is your own energy that is making you so alive. I speak hundreds of times but when the moment comes you cover it and say, “Okay, I am exposed enough now, how can I be free.” Right?
Remember that you are the one asking.”who am I’ but you also want to experience the idea of who am I in your own ways. This is why the person continues to say “I want this experience, others have had this experience and are talking about it, I want that.” You may not be consciously saying the words exactly the way I am saying them, but secretly this is what you are saying. This is why our secrets are only able to be exposed when you begin to rest in your own energy. It can be any kind of energy. Sexual, angry, or any negative form of energy – but it is. Wherever you can begin from is good for you because the moment that you begin to rest in your energy you are not the same. You are different and you may feel completely different than you ever expected.
So again, the energy scares you and the person says “I am sitting in my energy but it is kind of depressing. I don’t like it. My body does not feel good.” Many people have this excuse. Or, the person says “I cannot function the way I should function.” This is where the person will so easily run away from it. This is why, when we are sitting with the ideas, we sit and right at that moment you will see the trick. The trick is that you expect something from your own self. You want to be in a certain way. The moment that you sit, you are not resting or relaxing because you want to be somewhere.
Some people have experienced so many different ways and many awakening levels but still the direction is to return back; that is all. You know now, you have experienced, and it is time to rest. No more running after something. This is how being exposed in your own self is helping you to rest. No more chasing after these experiences. You chase after the experiences because you do not trust your own knowing enough. You feel like there is something, something.
It is perfectly fine to experience. It is not that I am against experiencing but it is from the experience that you know that your face needs to turn back into your own self. Many times the question comes, “Yes I know this, but how do I be?” It is like we want something fixed and we ask, “Which is the perfect way to be? This is what you take from the books. Even though somebody who is awakened says something true, a book makes everything still, solid and the mind grabs it and says, “Okay, this is the way I should be.”
This is how the more that you are being exposed, and when something is being exposed you are so restful in it. You are there, resting. Being there, restful, does not mean I am resting. It is like you are there. The more that you are restful you are there, and you are not running after something else because you are there. Now your own self is being revealed to you more and more and more because you are there, resting.
This is the way you are discovering. You are being exposed again and again. Sometimes by your own self and sometimes in the connections. You are realizing ‘whatever I have been thinking about myself, I am not that.’ So if ‘I am not that,’ this is how it is all the way along. All the way along it is the same because again and again the mind grabs it and says ‘you weren’t that this time but now maybe this is who you are.’
Being open to our own self is constantly taking us to the essence of what we are. This is why I keep reminding you that you do not need to remove anything. We know that. Because whatever is happening in us, whatever, it is my self. Isn’t it obvious for us to turn our face toward that. This is where you will find the more and more restful place. It is not that the restful place has never been there, it has always been there. It is just that the person’s belief to run after something has been covering it. See how this entire life pattern is like this because we are accustomed to running after something.
You do not need to judge yourself, whichever way we are we are. But yes, just from there because if our energy is secretly covered it will flow outward. For example, the anger. If the angry energy is covered in you, that energy is going to find a flow and then it becomes your weaknesses. You run after something because there is energy in you. If you don’t go it makes you uncomfortable because you are covering it. So if you are exposed to that energy, you are also exposed to your weaknesses and the flow begins to turn inward. Before this it has been secretly outward. This is another way that you will see how much we are losing our energy. So you try to close that channel which is going outward and it makes you even more uncomfortable.
We are not changing anything, we are just being exposed within. It is our energy, we are not poor we have just unconsciously become beggars because we want. We run after something through the weaknesses; wanting. We do this because we believe the kind of self that is there in us is not acceptable and we think, “I want something different, better and pure. But just remember your question – it is the same.